When asked with , “What is your weakness”, during an interview, we tend to try finding something not so good but also not too bad about ourselves. Many advice on Google articles tell us to choose any traits that looks bad but in a good way. One that sticks with me is “Perfectionist”.
I had no idea why being a perfectionist is considered bad, in my head, my understanding of perfectionist was a person who always want everything to be perfect and there’s nothing bad about it. So I did a made up scenario in my head as if I was being interviewed and asked about my weakness and I tell them that my weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.
Of course in that scenario the interviewer asked me to elaborate why do I think that being a perfectionist is considered as a weakness, and that was when I try to make sense of things. I tried to figure out the reason why am I choosing perfectionism as my weakness. I genuinely couldn’t justify why it was a weakness, so my answer was, “Because I want everything to be perfect and it took me more time to do things to make sure everything is okay.”
Sounds so fake to me. It sounds very theoretical.
It’s only recently that I found out that it’s really a weakness, for me. It came down out of nowhere, well probably I read some quotes or excerpt on Pinterest and it hits me with, “Yep, this is it! This is the illness, this is what caused all of my misery!”
Ever since I lost my job because of the retrenchment and the fact of not having a job caused me to feel shame. In this era where people are posting their accomplishments on a daily basis on social media, losing a job is a big deal; at least for me. Because of this “hustling” society, everything has to look perfect, I want people to see me as someone who has it all together, good life, amazing husband, great job (which to me it was). Hence when that retrenchment happened, I felt tremendous shame, like I had this stability in my hand and suddenly the next day it was taken away from me and now I don’t know who I am anymore. I am of no value anymore. I can’t brag about how busy I am at work, or how many emails I have to reply and meetings I need to attend.
This perfectionism expands to other aspect of my life such as how do I look physically. Everywhere I see are girls with smooth glowing skin, be it with filters or real ones. It stressed me out to see my own skin with acne scars, clogged pores and textures. Even though it didn’t bother me as much as being unemployed, it sometimes still makes me self-conscious.
But recently I bumped into some acne-positivity Instagram accounts which basically people who embrace their real textured skin, with acne scars and all, I can’t help but admire them for their bravery. Posting something that is seen as imperfect by those unhealthy beauty standard can be challenging, even though imperfection is part of being human. And the fact that there are more important things to care about other than a textured face, but we just can’t help it when we’re bombarded with those altered image of celebrities’ polished skin.
There are many aspect of life that shame could attached to. And where there’s shame, perfectionism is lurking behind.
My perfectionism is mean, because it’s eating me from the inside and it tells me that I am not good enough. That I am never enough. That I need to be a somebody to matter. That I need to have this or that to be valuable in society. Otherwise, I’m nothing but a liability and I contribute nothing but a number to add into to sum of the world’s population.
My perfectionism is discouraging, because it always whisper to me that I don’t have enough to begin anything. That I don’t have enough of what it takes to be whatever I could possibly be.
I want to work in fashion industry but “Oh, you don’t have degree in Fashion, nor the experience. I don’t think they will even consider your application.”
I want to learn French but “Hey did you remember when you said you wanted to learn knitting and you get bored? You remember when you were a kid and wanted to learn piano and your parents said that you’re easily bored so that’s why you stopped going to that dance class that you enrolled twice!”
“You lack of motivation.”
“You can’t deal with people.”
And now everywhere I look, all I see is I don’t have enough of what it takes to even try it.
And when I tried it and I can’t seem to be good at it instantly, then I get upset at myself and feel like I’m a talentless being.
Perfectionism did this to me. It rid me of my self-compassion. Instead of nurturing myself, I blatantly just blame myself. It doesn’t even occur to me that I need time, that it’s okay to take all the time I need to be good at something. That even those people behind every Youtube tutorial need to learn and start somewhere. They’re not just wake up and be good at what they’re doing, they just post tutorials after they’re getting the hang of what they do.
As written in Brené Brown’s book “The Gifts Of Imperfection”, it says that shame is basically the fear of being unlovable. It’s the inability of owning our own story including our struggles – especially our struggles.
Shame keeps our worthiness away by convincing us that owning our stories will lead to people thinking less of us. Shame is all about fear. We’re afraid that people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, how much we’re struggling, or, believe it or not, how wonderful we are when soaring (sometimes it’s just as hard to own our strength as our struggles)
Brené Brown, The Gifts Of Imperfection
This book makes me realise that my shame is rooted from the fear that I can be buried or defined by an experience that, in reality, is only a sliver of who I am.
I also can relate to her take on some of the myths about perfectionism which helps me to develop a better understanding on how to accurately capture what it is and what it does to my life. According to Brené’s book, perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement and shame.
Perfectionism is something that prevents me from even trying. I can so relate that it led me to seeking approval from other people. I become very conscious in everything I do and sometimes even think as far as how other people will perceive me and if they’re going to approve me.
Like when I’m writing, I have this voice in my head who’s constantly questioning what I’m writing as if they’re someone else reading and trying to counterattack me and what I’m trying to put into my writing. In a way, this what-will-they-think kind of mindset really draws me away from my authentic self. And instead of owning my thoughts, I tailored them to suit everyone’s opinion. I neutralise my own voice because I want everybody to agree.
But it makes me feel small, and invisible. I feel like I just blend in with my surrounding and drowning in the crowd of people when actually I want to be loud.
I’m just recently feel alright with my situation. Working or not working, I’m still me. I matter.
Come Inside My Head 