I Want To Stop Feeling Guilty For Existing

I realise that I am having the same thoughts over and over on certain topics. Me. My situation. What am I good at. Sometimes it’s as if I’m trying to justify my existence in this world, to at least not feel guilty for existing. To convince myself that I am at least good at something, I must be good at something. And that it’s okay to be mediocre, it’s okay to not be outstanding. That I don’t need to be that one person people remember when they are thinking about something, for example talk show, perhaps people will immediately think about Oprah, or Ellen. Something like that.

I realise that I’m still giving myself pressure, not so much but still.

When I listen to a sermon, it seems like I am guilty because I don’t seem to use the talent that God has given me. Because I don’t know what my talent is. Maybe my take on God’s words is wrong, I always think that God would want me to keep doing something, if I’m not using whatever He had given me then I’m a lazy ass and I deserve to go to hell. That He is a punisher, that He will judge me for whatever I do or not do and since I’m not good at anything as of now, I’d probably get punished.

My understanding of God has never been so fucked up.

I gotta realigned my mind, steering it away from the need of instant gratification provided by temporary indulgence such as buying new stuff, validation from people on social media, being able to keep up with the latest trends.

I just deleted my Instagram and Facebook again from my phone. I realised that I spend more time mindlessly scrolling through my timeline eventhough I don’t mean to do it and what I see is more often than not are things that are not inspiring to me. It’s always people flaunting what they have, it’s as if their life consists of only holiday, shopping and success. And I wonder if people who follow them are truly inspired by what they see. I’m speaking for myself, I can’t stand it. That’s why I don’t follow people who bluntly flaunting their wealth because it makes me sick. Yea perhaps I’m just upset because it makes me feel that I have less, because it makes me focus on everything that I’m not, everything I don’t have.

Yes, I might not have what they have, but I have everything I need to sustain me and to live a comfortable life.

I’m trying to put this feeling into words but it might sound like I’m just one bitter person who should let those people live. I know. But I don’t mean bad. I’m just trying to elaborate how I feel and what it does to my perspective on life and what really matters.

I feel like everywhere now, even the news, we are made to focus on the wrong things. There are issues that matters, but we are distracted by the Kardashians, by how much is the price of this celebrity’s bag and that whoever is now having a holiday in a yacht.

I feel that we are made to focus on all the materialistic things, that the standard of success is how much money you make and if you can afford luxury things. But how about the ability of being and feeling content with what you have? Isn’t it more important in the long term?

Not everyone is gonna be super wealthy, not everyone is going to be a celebrity and I believe not everyone wants to.

I’m learning to focus on things other than materialistic possession. i’m training my brain to see things from different perspective, one that gives me peace of mind rather than focusing on things I don’t have or things that I lack of.

What I want most to have now is the sense of contentment. The ability of feeling content and be at peace with myself, in whatever situation I am in. To be able to live lightly, which means being able to exist without attachment to anything fleeting. That must be very nice. Being able to see other people’s accomplishment and to genuinely feel happy for them instead of being affected and look down on myself for not being like them.

I want to have that kind of mental state. I want to be able to sit and really experiencing my surrounding, watching people, feeling the breeze, tasting my drink, I want to enjoy my existence. I want to throw away those burden of having to be something, having to accomplish something. I want to experience my life, all the good things and all the feelings. I want to observe me!

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